the fashion tired.

Since I started this blog, I haven't stopped banging on about moving to France for my year abroad. I have dreamt of posting outfit photos on picturesque cobbled streets and sharing newly discovered French skincare favourites with you all.

Only now I'm not going.

I suppose it's a decision that has been a long time coming, but as my health started going downhill my mum kept asking if I was really sure that I wanted to go. A few days ago I woke up from a long nap after a really bad day and just thought "I can't go". I emailed all the relevant people at my university and British Council and now it's definite.

I am having major chronic illness feels. Chronic illness affects my day-to-day life a lot, but this feels bigger than that. When telling friends and family about it, I refer to this as "my decision", but is it? Or has chronic illness taken control? As you can imagine, amongst everything there is a tiny identity crisis going on in the back of my head about how much of my identity is made up of being chronically ill right now - as a side note if you also experience this please tweet me or something, it's hard not to feel alone in something like this.

Despite everything, this decision(?) is the right one. I feel relieved. SO RELIEVED. There is not an ounce of regret about this, I am so glad to live with my mum for another year, to see my aunty every day if I want to, to only be a few hours away from my friends, family and boyfriend. It makes me feel content inside that I didn't have to do something that filled me with dread. I can have a break for a year, work a part-time job (I already have interviews lined up, go me!) and maybe even learn some new things if my motivation picks up.

It feels so good to write this. I don't know why I feel the need to tell people, my blog is very new and I don't have many followers but putting this out in the world feels right. Maybe it's something to do with representing myself as a chronically ill person and saying "Hey, that university journey isn't made with us in mind, and that's really fucking scary."? Yeah, I think it's that.

I'm trying to write new content and stuff at the moment, it really takes my mind off real life stuff; it's nice to be excited about new lipstick rather than being scared of the world. Bare with me <3

Ps. I have been trying to go for walks a lot now I'm not really doing anything else. On one of my walks I made a squirrel friend, I hope you enjoy this photo. It's not zoomed in, he came super close!